The Waldessori Mom

My 5 week old, N, is starting to smile and coo! This has been rewarding the few times it has happened because quite honestly, it still feels like I’m babysitting someone else’s kid most of the time. Getting that cute little smile is going to start working to bridge the gap between us and foster a closer connection. I’m not surprised that I feel this way because for the first month, my little newborn has solely eaten, pooped, slept, and cried. It’s been hard to bond over that. It’s very sweet seeing him drink his milk and look around at the world, but I’m also so tired between him and my toddler that it feels like I’m on autopilot keeping his needs met but not having “fun” moments with him.

Hearing his little coos are the cutest thing ever and we can start “talking” to each other now which is exciting! His umbilical cord stump fell off (it felt like it took forever!) so he’s doing more and more tummy time. My 2 year old is still very jealous, especially when I breastfeed my newborn, so that’s been challenging, but he really loves his little brother and talks all the time about him.

What I tried first and why it didn’t work

Once my newborn hit 5 weeks, my 2 year old son hit him for the first time, which was jarring to see. It was ironic because my husband and I were just saying that we had been noticing jealous behavior from my toddler because he was doing things in the home he knew he wasn’t supposed to do, but we were glad that at least he wasn’t taking it out on our newborn. Thankfully the hit wasn’t hard, but I was still shocked.

I recently finished breastfeeding my baby and was sitting on the couch with my newborn in my lap facing towards me. My toddler, D, comes up to be next to us and is holding a blanket. D had been asking to go outside and I said that we’d go in 2 minutes. He starts moving around and quickly reaches his arm out with the blanket in it and it bumps into his brother’s head. The motion didn’t seem deliberate but something about it struck me as odd so I simply said something like “Watch out for your brother’s head,” and then D got a mischievous smile (as he always does before doing something he knows he isn’t supposed to) reached out, and smacked N’s head. This was the first time he deliberately did something to my newborn.

Thankfully since it wasn’t hard, my newborn didn’t start crying, so I told D he had to be gentle. He was about to do it again and was resisting against me holding him back, so I had to take him off of the couch. This escalated his behavior and he kept wanting to get back on. I didn’t know how to handle this at the time, so I’ll tell you what I did and then I’ll explain how I handled it the subsequent time and why it was better.

It was right before we were about to go outside so in the midst of the chaos I told D that he wasn’t going to go outside as a consequence. This led to him freaking out even more, and I realized that I already took him off the couch as a consequence and that him not being able to go outside was escalating it too much. D hit his brother because he was jealous and was being impatient about going outside and now he wasn’t going to be able to go outside at all.

I changed it to “You need to say sorry to your brother and give him a hug and then we can go outside.” I normally don’t waver on my consequences but the whole situation was overwhelming and I thought focusing on the repair was more important at the time. My son then calms down, gives my baby a hug, and we go outside. I thought, okay that wasn’t great, but at least he “apologized.” That was before I learned that you shouldn’t force repairs because if you do, he doesn’t actually mean it and he doesn’t learn the empathy behind it and why he’s doing the apology. I had a feeling this wasn’t going to be the only time he would hit my baby because D is a creature of habit. After doing research on how to handle it better in the future, I was prepared for the next time it happened (which it did).

How to handle a toddler hitting a newborn

My son hit my baby a total of 2 more times and it hasn’t happened again in over a week. The occurrences happened pretty close together and I attribute them not happening again to how I handled the last 2 hits after doing my research on how to handle a toddler hitting their sibling because of jealous behavior. I’ll explain what happened and the steps that I took afterwards.

I was breastfeeding my baby, N, again— I most definitely noticed a correlation between me giving N one on one attention and my toddler acting out— and my toddler, D, started standing next to us. I begin talking to D and he suddenly head butts N and N starts to cry. I told my toddler, “You need to be gentle. I know you’re frustrated because you want mama’s attention but hitting is not okay.” I then modeled the repair and showed him how to touch his brother with gentle hands. I gave my baby’s head a kiss and soothed him. I said, “Your brother is sad, how can we make him feel better? You can say sorry or give him a hug.”

If he would have refused, I would have modeled for him how to do the repair and then moved on. But my toddler comes over, gives N a hug, then says “Go outside.” This tells me that he only hugged him because he thought he’d be able to go outside like last time. I explained to him that it was nice of him to hug his brother but that hugging him has nothing to do with going outside. The situation was over after that.

I followed up with reading books about kindness with my toddler. When one book got to a page of an animal stepping on the other animal’s tail by mistake, D pointed to it with his mischievous smile and said that it was like how he bumped his brother’s head. I explained to him that the animal stepped on the other animal’s tail by mistake and I also modeled how the animal could apologize to the other one by saying sorry and giving him a hug to make him feel better. Then, whenever my toddler was being kind to my baby by doing something nice for him like bringing him a blanket or using gentle hands, I gave him a ton of praise so that way all the attention wasn’t only given when he was behaving badly.

Steps to follow when your toddler hits their sibling

My toddler hit my baby one more time after that, and I handled the situation the same way. After that, he hasn’t hit him again. These are the key steps I took in the example above that worked for my stubborn child:

• Protect first
  • If your toddler is trying to hit your baby again, block and move him back. Be calm but firm.
    • “I won’t let you bump heads. That hurts.”
• Contain / separate briefly
  • If you’re doing something like feeding the baby, sit him beside you or a little away. Keep it short and clear.
    • “You need to stay here until your body is calm. I’ll keep the baby safe.”
• Name what’s happening
  • Acknowledge how your toddler is feeling. Why are they doing this?
    • “It looks like you felt upset when I was feeding the baby. You wanted my attention.”
  • Even if he doesn’t answer, you’re giving him language for the feelings.
• Set the boundary
  • Let them know that even though you understand why they’re upset, their behavior is not acceptable
    • “I won’t let you hit your brother. Hitting hurts.”
• Model repair with the baby but don’t force it
  • Show him what caring looks like:
    • “Baby is sad, how can we make him feel better? Let’s give him hugs.” 
  • If he refuses, that’s okay—you do it.

Plan for attention during common moments of jealousy: Have a special toy, a basket of books, or a special box of things that only comes out during those times. For me, it’s when I nurse my baby. That way your toddler knows he still gets something special too.

Key things to remember

Keep calm! If you have a big reaction like a dramatic facial expression or loud voice, your toddler will be more likely to do this behavior again. Remember that they’re doing this for your attention so if you give them a huge response, you’re giving them exactly what they want. Make it uninteresting for them to do this behavior and they’re less likely to repeat it!

Praise whenever your toddler is being gentle and kind to your baby— you want to make sure they get more attention when they’re doing the right behavior than when they’re doing the wrong one. They’re more likely to do whatever behavior gets them the most attention since they’re acting out for attention in the first place.

Above all, know that your toddler acting out like this doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong! I prioritize giving my toddler as much attention as I can, to the point where it’s sometimes a detriment to how much attention I give my newborn, and he still acts out. It’s a huge adjustment for everyone. I’m still learning to find the balance between giving both of my kids the attention that they deserve but I’m only one person and it’s not going to be enough for my toddler for a while because it’s still being shared with his brother at times and he’s learning the new norm. I have a lot of mom guilt because of this but I’m working on finding the balance between giving both of my kids attention.

Just remember that sibling jealousy is completely normal and can manifest in a variety of ways. It’s difficult, but it’s only temporary as you all adjust to your new lives together! You got this!